'When love becomes Boring' - Adebowale Oladimeji

'When love becomes Boring' - Adebowale Oladimeji

Help! Help! was the cry in my head when it hit me that I was actually bored. How could I be? A stunningly beautiful wife, a good life, exciting day-time job...what could be missing? That was the question ravaging my soul until after a time of quiet and prayer, I realized in a sudden burst of inspiration that nothing was missing.

    Yes nothing was missing. Someone said the problem of living is that 'life is so daily'. When planning your wedding, the fantasies seemed like they would last forever and if you had your honey moon in a very exotic location, I'm sure you felt like freezing the moment and you hoped that the splendour and romance would last forever only for you to get back to 'earth' and all the passion got lost in work, keeping the home and the 'dailiness' of life.

    At this point, you have no appetite for long talks and mono-syllabic answers are now the norm. Man and wife just feel bored and agitated about things they can't quite figure out. These periods if not handled right can lead people chasing after solutions to problems that don't exist. For men, they can't understand why the wife's low energy level is not their fault and begin to suspect larger than life problems whilst the women simply can't understand why their man won't talk or just snaps at the slightest provocation.

    The first key to managing these moments because they are certain to come in any marriage is to understand that there is nothing fundamentally wring with your marriage or relationship. Remember when you were in college,there were days when you did not feel like going to classes but you went anyway. All the 'suffering' and laboring late into the night, reading for your exams was not pleasant nor romantic buy you needed to do them to be free of the courage of perpetual carryovers and you can still recollect that overwhelming joy on he day of your graduation. The pride you felt at having persevered and overcome the system in incomparable to any other feeling in the world. Marriage and relationships could be like that, boredom may set in but you don't feel like going to work but you pick yourself up and go to work even put in an honest effort. You end up feeling better that when you left your home.

    This brings me to the second point in dealing with these moments. They will come and go but you cannot afford to shirk your responsibilities in your relationship or marriage. For instance, a responsible man will not say because he is bored and does not feel like going to work, he would stay at home for a month and expect to get paid for that month. Won't work I hear you say? Sure, it won't. Thia 'solution' is just like having a fling or an affair to find some excitement. Don't buy into this trick because it will never solve the problem.

    So also it is in a relationship. You both have to work at keeping the mushy texts coming and the verbal affirmations can't stop either. It might have flowed spontaneously in time past but now you can't seem to find your groove at the moment, pleae do all you can to just keep it coming. Whatever it is that makes your relationship tick, all parties must be committed to keep those roles. This is what differentiates relationships which inspire us for generations from those which end up on the wrong side of the divorce statistics. I was recently reading about a couple who had been married for 38 years and couldn't help being amazed at what they would have had to overcome to keep their love alive for that long. You would think that there is a gene that makes it possible for some to be successful relationally and maritally which was not evenly distributed by God when you look at the ease with which some manage these periods of boredom in their homes. The good news is that there is no such gene and anyone who is committed to learning, prayer, patience and a healthy dose of compromise can pull off a good or even great marriage. In school,  there is no doubt we had talented students who found it easy to get excellent grades with minimal effort unlike the rest of us. However, fast forward 10 years later and you would find anyone who embraced hard work and some luck had made a good show of thier lives, whether or not they were considered geniuses. Any successful person will tell you that success takes more than talent or genetic endowments.

    My message after researching successful and not so successful marriages is that anybody is capable of succeeding in this area. Even if you came from a 'broken home', you have what it takes to succeed in this area. One of my favorite persons of all time is John Davidson Rockfeller, the founder of Standard Oil (now Exxon Mobil). He grew up in a very dysfunctional and financially insecure home, however, he purposed by the help of God to succeed not only in life but especially in his family life and it was said of him that he always has lunch with his children everyday while building the largest corporation in the world at the time. He admitted that his faith in God was instrumental to this all round success and if he achieved all of these despite his very chequered family background, you and I then have what it takes to succeed too.

    I must confess this is not a silver bullet to manage all the lows of marriage but knowing that these challenges are pretty common and maybe necessary for our growth should encourage us in a way to stay the course, fulfil our mandate and raise children who will be glad that Mom and Dad did not allow boredom to disrupt the home.

Stay Blessed.

Busola Adedire: Who Will Clean the Toilet?

Busola Adedire: Who Will Clean the Toilet?

Many years back, I often thought about marriage with sunny smiles and happily ever after thoughts plagued my mind. Fast forward to the current me, I have found out that marriage require lots of prayer and common sense; because sadly, fuzzy feelings are not enough.

In reference to the common sense bit, is it okay if I told you that common sense is not that common? I do not mean this in a bad way. In fact, I had also made silly mistakes in the past which made me question where my common sense was. So in the light of such events, I have made it a point to duty to update my common sense database by being more inquisitive about life, love, and relationships.

Let me add a disclaimer here that if you do not think about or desire marriage/family life, this article is not for you. However, if you are at that place in life where you require ‘common sense’ to make heavy decisions like marriage then we can be curious together.

My current read is a book titled ‘Things I wish I’d Known Before We Got Married’ by Gary Chapman which is a book that gets you thinking about different hypothetical situations that could arise in a marriage. While there are no hard and fast rules to this thing, I believe reading expands your mind and helps you define your values in a clearer form. The book was quite interesting till I got a reality check from chapter 7 which says ‘I Wish I Had Known That TOILETS are not Self-Cleaning. He stated in the book that most couples do not think about the ‘toilet issue’ until they get married. I can understand. It has never crossed my mind too.

You see, the issue of marital gender roles must be thought out carefully and I believe this is one of the major factors that can make or break a household. Let me also emphasise that whatever you are accustomed to whilst growing up becomes your personal truth. I started to think about this whole ‘toilet business’ and I thought about what works in my household which is shared responsibility between my mum, I, and my siblings. My mother is very traditional, and she has made it a point of duty that we follow her steps. I am cool with washing toilets I said to myself… my inner goddess laughed and shook her head in pity. Ok, I will stop deceiving myself. I can clean the toilets but I also shudder at the thoughts of doing every single house chore myself including the toilets. Please married people in the house, how do these things work sef? Please don’t tell me about house helps because some of us outside Nigeria do not have that kind of luxury.

If we are all being truthful, cleaning toilets is one of those house chores that nobody really fancies. Personally, I have a passion for cleaning but I would love to carry on the ‘shared responsibility’ when it comes to toilet cleaning. But how does one break the ice on this issue? Can you say something like ‘baby I would like you to assist me in cleaning the toilets’ without feeling guilty or feeling like you are demanding too much? What about those men that naturally think it is a woman’s duty to clean the toilets and bath tubs? Or those ones that think cleaning the toilets and bath tubs is beneath them? I remember the day I overheard a conversation between two Nigerian ‘uncles’ on gender roles, they stated that the best way to get a man to help you around the house is to say nothing about it. My Campus Camerazzi people, is that true? What if bobo starts thinking he married a superwoman and offers no assistance? *wails endlessly*

This is one of those issues that you have to tactfully navigate because if your husband says he is not cleaning the toilets, you will not pack your things and leave. Biko, clean the toilets yourself for peace and hygiene sake. But on the other hand, no woman desires to do house chores alone especially without a house help or a cleaner (she can be silent but she will lowkey resent you). It is a sign of humility to help your wife around the house especially in doing uncommon chores like ‘bath and toilet cleaning’ and even changing the baby’s diapers. That is the highest form of humility. Just for fun… single people, let me know if you have thought about toilet cleaning and what your opinions are. Married people let us know what works for you.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Michael Zhang

AAUA FACULTY OF EDUCATION DEANS MUST WRITE UTME - Oladimeji Ayodele Blackey

AAUA FACULTY OF EDUCATION DEANS MUST WRITE UTME - Oladimeji Ayodele Blackey

It has been a while I commented on AAUASU matters, some might term me jobless if upon graduating I still discuss AAUASU. However, as a concerned alumnus, I hold more than a passing interest in matters that concerns the University. Afterall, like that popular maxim, "what it takes for the evil men to take over the society, is for the good ones to remain mute".

The current developments at the Faculty of Education, to hold a so-called primary before the Students' Union elections, calls for concern. It represents another significant low in the already unrepresentative, precarious, and intellectually depraved Students' Union body. More saddening is that both the Dean and Sub-dean are alleged to be organizing this obnoxious primary. It behooves me to say that these learned individuals, holding respected offices within the walls of the University, shouldn't be involved in Students' Unionism. Students' Union politics, as it implies, should be engaged only by Students without whatsoever interference. If they are so much fascinated by Student Unionism, they should go and buy Jamb form and if given admission; they can enthusiastically involve themselves in Students' Union activities.

The activity of these buttinskies in Students' Union is a reflection of the cankerous nature of Nigeria polity in which certain individuals want to accrue themselves the prerogative right to decide, impose and depose those in position of authority. While the ubiquity of this practice cannot be denied, it should not have any place within the walls of an academia.

It is important to recall that during the  2012/2013 Students' Union election, there was the Education Agenda designed to ensure the emergence of a student of the Faculty of Education as president. This agenda was also the machinations of the  Dean of Faculty of Education. As a result of these narrow-mindedness, godfatherism, Cabal and Regional (in this case faculty) politics, everything wrong with Nigerian political culture has been brought to into the corridors of Student Union.

These shameful gimmicks have brought disrepute to individuals charged with raising a generation of cerebral, rational, and altruistic individuals that will bring an end to these undesirable elements undermining our corporate existence. In fact, they've place it upon themselves to ensure that they propagate these endemic values that have stagnated our society. 

It sufficient to underscore that the Students' Union is autonomous and should not be dictated too. Its most important function is to protect and uphold the rights of students within and outside the University environment. It is also responsible to ensure the cordial relationship between the management and the students, among others. Due to this noble and salient charges, it is imperative, as it ought to, to have a body that is composed and headed by individuals that will undertake its responsibility with intelligence, brio, enthusiasm, and tart insight. Today, the stark reality is the opposite, where mediocres like Reformer (AAUASU President 2013/2014) found themselves beyond their capacity and capability become subservient to school administrators. Instead of acting as Students' mouthpiece and uphold the dignity of the Students' Union by reiterating its independence as a student body, they turn lickspittles  and drag its autonomy through the mud!  

On this note, I will appeal to those who are on course to participate in the primary that it is illogical and counter-productive. You hold no allegiance to your faculty as a political party or regional constituency. As a matter of fact, an educated and healthy mind should not dwell on such frivolities. If at this early stage of contesting you can subject yourself to primary, it shows that when you get there, the sovereignty of Students will be at stake.

Signed 

Oladimeji Ayodele Blackey
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